Category Archives: Blog

Is Your Relationship a Ping-Pong Match?

ping-pong-coupleI used to tell Mike that it felt as if we were ping-ponging against each other.

I would do something that would cause him to react that would in turn cause me to react, and so on and so on, until somebody “won.”

It was exhausting. I wanted to end the game, but didn’t know how.

Back then, before we knew about psychological attachments, we figured we could solve our issues by simply thinking about it, drawing diagrams of how it looked, and mentally going round and round with it. Then, we would come to a little agreement of what I wouldn’t do and he wouldn’t do.

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Why am I so Insecure?

1383685411000-Jennifer-Aniston“That all started in my 30’s,” Jennifer Aniston admits her insecurities began during her relationship to Brad Pitt.

Jennifer Aniston went through her awkward stage when she was married to Brad Pitt. Instead of experiencing insecurities when she was younger like many women do.

The former Friends star got married to the actor when she was 31 and admits that prior to that she didn’t worry about her image too much.

Why is this? What would trigger her insecurities during this time of her life and not when she was younger?

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Why Can’t I Be Strong?

couple_fighting_sclWe all want to be strong women. That means, we want to do what we want, say what we think, make our own choices. Some of us may be doing that. But for many women, it simply doesn’t exist.

Those women may be scared to express their opinion. They may feel what they want is not important enough. Or, they may feel they simply don’t deserve to.

If we want to do these things, why don’t we? Instead, we tend to do the opposite. But why?

There is a term we use at the iNLP Center called “Psychological Attachments”. Psychological Attachments are emotional ties to the past that cause us to repeat negative thoughts and behaviors.

Let me give you an example. Say there was a woman who, as a child, had a very controlling mother. She learned she could never do anything right and was scared to speak up for fear of being criticized. This happened all through her childhood and adolescence.

In high school there were a few boys she dated but none that she got excited over until a certain one came along. He was handsome, smooth and a take-charge attitude. He was the kind of guy that could sell an ice cube to an Eskimo. She was impressed by him and he knew it.

They married right out of high school and started having babies. At first she was really happy. He took care of everything and she didn’t have to worry about the much. He was in charge. He would let her know what she needed to do each day and she was happy that he depended on her so much. She felt needed and that made her happy.

There was only one little problem. He was in charge. In charge of her.

She started to realize that by allowing him to be in charge, she gave up her personal freedom. She couldn’t speak up. She couldn’t make decisions without his ok. If she did disagree with him, he would ridicule her. He beat down her self-esteem, what little she had, until she believed he was actually right. When she gave up her control, she gave up her life.

You can see where I’m headed here, but there’s a little twist.

Because being controlled is how she felt growing up, she felt most comfortable in that environment. She doesn’t know what life is without it. She’s psychologically attached to it.

She doesn’t believe she deserves better. Or does she? She knows it’s not right, but her deep attachment for being controlled craves it.

This is where a person gets stuck. The predicament is that our conscious mind know what we want (freedom) but our unconscious mind craves something else (control).

She can say, “I want him to value my opinion.” But the choices she makes don’t allow that. Then on top of that, she resents him for controlling her. The negative behavior she has of allowing herself herself to be controlled, perpetuates or feeds the control attachment, thus creating a cycle.

We call this type of psychological attachment The Go-Along.

The Go-Along is a person that allows another person to control them by acting like they are fine with whatever the other person wants. This is a form of a control attachment. They require the other person to control them by not taking control of situations and not speaking up.

You can see how this attachment developed now. As a child, this woman was force to learn to go-along or else. Now she has carried this attachment into adulthood. Generally, she will find someone who needs to control because of their attachment type. It, inadvertently, becomes a codependent/mututalistic relationship with each person’s attachment getting fed.

However, it is a bad situation for both partners. We tend to see the controllee as the victim, but in reality both are the victims.

Both parties are not happy. Just like the woman, the man is put in the role of the controller both by his psychological attachment (The Craver, a deprivation attachment) from his childhood and her behaving as The Go-Along. If he is to keep feeding his attachment of deprivation, he needs to keep his wife resenting him to so he can stay deprived of a close relationship. If she is happy and doesn’t resent him, he won’t get to feel deprived any longer. If he stops controlling her, she won’t get to feel controlled anymore. Then what? Who are they if they are not victims? That is all they know. It is really sad.

What’s the solution? They are both miserable. Of course they would both like to have a great marriage. But their psychological attachments are more comforting and the cycle continues.

At some point, hopefully, they will say to each other, “This is no way to live.”

The husband might say,” I want you to deeply love me.”

And the wife might say, “I want you to deeply love me.”

But how can they stop this self-sabotaging cycle so they can really love one another?

The solution is that both parties need to recognize their attachment and make choices to end the behaviors and thought patterns that feed them. It requires retraining.

My husband, Mike Bundrant, and I have developed a program that teaches people how to recognize and end their psychological attachments so they can finally be happy. It’s called the AHA Solution.

I’ll briefly explain how it works.

Basically, we’ve developed 12 attachment types. (The Go-Along and The Craver are just two of them.) By completing a worksheet regarding a specific relational situation, you are able to identify which attachment type you are. (Most people find they are a few different ones depending on the relationship). Next, you watch the attachment video that applies to you. The video takes you through another worksheet helping you to resolve and find solutions to your attachments through a scenario. Then you apply the solution to your relationship at the times you’re attachment is activated.

There is absolutely a way out of it for the couple above. Their solution is that both people become of aware of their attachment and what it’s behaviors are. They begin to notice when they are about to have the negative behavior or thought and they make a conscious choice to not do it. It’s a little more complicated than that as you’ll see in the program. But that’s the AHA Solution in a nutshell.

It really does work. Our attachments aren’t always external. Many are internal. Many are the things we say to ourselves that keep us from reaching our goals. It might be weight loss, education, job promotion, etc. When we can see the source of our negative thoughts and behaviors we can start to take control of how we respond to them.

Life really doesn’t have to be so hard. When we can stop the self-sabotage it gets easier!

For more information on Self-Sabotage and the AHA Solution, click here.

To watch a free webinar on Psychological Attachments, click here.

 

Suffering from Rejection

I had the opportunity to work with my son tonight, on some challenges he is having getting bullied at school. Let me describe him- he has died black and blue hair, a septum piercing (between the nostils) and gauges in his ears. He can also be very annoying by saying things that are off-the-wall and at times pretty darn vulgar. Additionally, he is very sensitive and gets his feelings hurt easily but shows anger instead of pain. He’s 15 and has the teenager attitude big time. Luckily, he is a great kid, not into drugs or sex. He has a nice girlfriend with a great family.

He was in trouble tonight for being annoying and not respecting other family member’s boundaries. We had to talk to him about it and he took it rather bad. This is an ongoing issue, as it has been for as long as I can remember. Even though we point it out, he refused to see it. Or simply can’t see it. It almost seems hopeless. I want so bad for others to accept him but his behavior keeps getting in the way.

I watched him crying, telling me how bad he is treated at school. Even by the teachers! He says he will say hi to kids that aren’t nice and they say mean things back to him. That he hopes if he is nice, they will be nice back. He says that everyone thinks he is high even though he isn’t and they think he’s dumb because of the way he looks and the things he says.

Looking at it from the outside, it is easy to say,”Try to blend in better. Don’t say dumb things. Don’t pay attention to the mean kids.” But the truth is, he doesn’t even realize he is doing those things and thinks he is just being himself. He doesn’t know how to be any different.

This is where it gets interesting.

This is where his self-sabotage comes in. He is attached to being rejected.

What he really wants is to be included, to belong, to be accepted, to be liked. We all want that. But what his subconscious wants is to be rejected. Over and over. That is what is comfortable. That is what he learned. Usually from a parent or close family member. In this case, his father (my ex-husband).

When looking back over my son’s life, he always chose to be friends with the kids that wouldn’t accept him. They were the popular kids or the bullies. They would treat him bad and he would try harder to make them like him by giving them things and letting them take advantage of him. He would get hurt over and over. I never understood why he would do this to himself.

I pointed this rejection attachment out to him tonight and he got it. He finally recognized what he is doing to himself each day. It’s as if he is waking up and saying to himself, “What can I do today to get myself rejected and feel like crap?”

I gave him the example that when he says hi to the kid that is mean to him, he knows the kid will be mean to him. His subconscious is counting on the rejection. So he goes through with it and gets that hit of rejection he needs. Of course it’s not what he really wants. He wants the kid to be nice. But it won’t happen and he knows it.

The solution to him ending his rejection attachment is called the AHA Solution. This is a program my husband and I developed. It is a system for ending self-sabotage to achieve the results you would really like in your life. The first step is to become AWARE. So in my son’s case, it is to notice when he is about to say something that will end in rejection. Then the next step is HALT – to stop what he is about to say or do. Then the third step is to ACT. To choose something different to do that will get you the result you truly want.

When my son asked what he was supposed to do differently at the ACT stage. I said that he needs to do the opposite. So it would be, in the situation with the bully, to turn and go the other way. Or in a situation where he is about to say something obnoxious to get attention, ask the person a question about them instead, like, “How’s you day been?”

It made a lot of sense to him and he started practicing it right away. He is now playing video games and getting along with his brother. I am so proud of him for choosing to see his attachment and making the choice to be happy.

To be able to choose to be accepted instead of to automatically be rejected is huge. When we aren’t actively aware of our self-sabotage we are living on autopilot, out of control of our own life and we don’t even know it. You are your own victim.

To learn more about the AHA Solution and self-sabotage, click here.

 

Ending Self-Sabotage to Achieve Your Goals

People keep asking me, what made you want to do bikini competitions? It wasn’t that I had friends doing it. In fact, I knew no one that did it. I knew nothing about it.

The first person that mentioned it to me, not suggesting I do it, but simply mentioning it was a trainer at Gold’s Gym. He showed me pictures of his wife and I thought, “Why is he showing me these pictures? This is something I would never be interested in. It seemed so shallow and so far away from anything I would ever consider doing. Plus, I could never look like that.” And I dismissed it.

Apparently, my brain dismissed it but it stayed somewhere in me like a little seed. I started wondering if I had what it takes to do this but I was too embarrassed to actually say it out loud. So I started asking a little more about it. It became easier to explore and I got encouragement from trainers at the gym that it was something I could totally do. That built my confidence and I decided that maybe I would go for it. I asked my husband what he thought. I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t a stupid or shallow goal. The idea of looking like the bikini competitors I saw online was amazing, although I never thought I would actually look like that. I didn’t think I could belong to that group. (leftover attachments from high school).

During this whole time, my husband and I had been creating this revolutionary personal development program aimed at eliminating self-sabotage. We called it the AHA Solution. It basically allows you to identify the self-sabotaging behaviors and talk you do all day to yourself, stop doing it and choose another path. Sounds simple, but it’s not. It is when you do the steps we created, however. Otherwise, you just keep repeating the same mistakes and misery over and over.

It never dawned on me until just a couple weeks ago what an enormous role the AHA Solution played in helping me achieve this goal of competition bodybuilding. It allowed me to feel worthy. To feel like I was good enough to get on stage and strut my stuff. To feel like it was ok for me to express my more feminine side without being ashamed. I wasn’t rejecting myself any longer. And when I won, I could be proud of myself and feel good about myself instead of making excuses for myself, thus no longer depriving myself.

Had I not ended my self-sabotage there would be no way I could have possibly accomplished what I have. And continue to set the mark high for myself. There is no one in my way any longer. No one saying, “You aren’t good enough. Who do you think you are?”

And I am so thankful for that! I am so thankful I can be fully me.

If you would like to learn more about self-sabotage and the AHA Solution, click here and watch a free video.

 

It’s all downhill from here – Understanding your Timeline

A couple of years ago my husband, Mike,  and I were creating our online NLP training program. We were creating videos that people watch to learn NLP techniques. At that time I did not know much about NLP so using me as the client in the videos was interesting. We were working on one particular technique called “Timeline Elicitation”. Basically, he asked me how I see my life. Do I see it out in front of me moving forward, side to side, up and down? I observed that I see it as a a roller coaster that goes up then down. I could see the going up clearly – childhood, adolescence, young adulthood. Then it hit the top which is where I was at that point. Then, I saw it going down for the rest of my life. It kind of went into a darkness where I could not see a future.

I noticed that I did not like the way it felt. It went right along with the fact that I was turning 40 that year and I saw 40 as kind of the end of feeling young. My kids were getting older, I had done so many things already, what was left except getting old? It really made me anxious and I dreaded this time of my life that was approaching. I didn’t feel old.

I told Mike that I didn’t like the way my timeline felt. It seemed so negative and I would like it to feel more positive and keep going up, not drop down and feel scary. He said timelines can be changed. Once we discover what out timeline is, we can can choose how we would rather feel and change it.

So we did another video where he shows me how to change it. You can watch it below. Maybe it will help you if you are going through a mid-life crisis. You can see how I felt after we changed my timeline. For more information on NLP, visit inlpcenter.org.

Changing Your Timeline